My personal struggle

Hey guys. I haven’t posted in a while, and(if nobody minds) I’d like to talk about that.

I started posting stories to GSS a good while ago and was doing so mainly because I have a personal fetish/ fantasy that I really really enjoy that I thought was a little underrepresented. Not just on GSS but everywhere online. Just to catch anyone up so they dont have to read my stories; I like fantasies involving big bellied bearish men being abducted/subdued by alien tentacle monsters and then fucked. Often times the fantasy will involve these men being impregnated with some kind of smaller creature that makes their bellies bigger, and mind controls them into having sex with more men of similar description to spread things around and keep the fantasy going until im… let’s just say “satisfied”.

I was overjoyed to find that there were others that liked my stories and wanted to make more of them, and did for a while, but after a bit I began to hit a bit of a personal wall.

Please understand that this is not meant to be preachy. Im not meaning this as a commentary on the morality of writing tentacle rape or to sweep everyone who writes similar subjects under the same bus. This is specifically just my struggles with the subject matter as I’ve grown. The time that I first personally came to my husband and told him about my fantasies and when I started writing them down and sharing them both happened very close after one another. It was a period of sheer sexual exploration in text form. But I quickly began to overthink and obsess over everything. It became this world in my head with rules, and lore for everything, etc.

I would get too much into my own head about what is morally acceptable involving my stories. A fear began developing based on if someone I knew in my personal life discovered these stories and knew that I wrote them. It terrified me. I know that its all just fantasy, and the things that happen in my stories especially aren’t possible in real life, but I slowly went into a deep emotional downward spiral that’s been happening over the course of the last 4 years.

I think im finally beginning to find my peace with everything, and a lot of it has to do with being able to control how and when others get exposed to my stories. Im not wanting to bring up a deep philosophical conversation about it all, im not asking for help regarding it all. Just wanted to share what I’ve been going through. There’s more to discuss on my end but I just wanted to share this and ask if anyone else struggles in similar ways at times as well?

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There was way more that I want to get into but im at work and also had to realize that someone is going to have to read it and then be willing to respond.

I think my overall goal with my stories is still to just populate this very niche corner of bear erotica until others get inspired enough to write their own. I just worry a lot about everything.

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Oh man, the ‘what if my friends found out’ fear. Or even worse, the ‘what if my boss found out’ one. It’s a big mood, and it’s real. But everyone is into something, and you’re not the only deviant you know. I’ve had friends confess all sorts of kinks to me. You’ve found what works for you - congrats!

I write under a pen name, my husband knows I write but doesn’t know about the topic beyond ‘transformation porn’, and the few friends who know I write porn don’t have any details. You don’t need to feel guilty about it and you only ever have to share it with your broader circle as you’re comfortable.

It’s a kink. It’s fantasy. And yeah, all our kinks are kind of weird. But sometimes you just have to shrug your shoulders and follow your cock.

You’re not alone in your fear. Know you are in control. Years ago, I found peace by believing that nobody was going to read my porn and go ‘Oh, that must have been written by [real name]! What a fuckin’ sicko.’

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It was literally years that I had boots in my closet but refused to wear them outside (in my admittedly conservative neighborhood where I was known to many). To me, wearing boots was like walking around showing everyone your cock. They are part of you. I couldn’t wear them outside.

Then one day a friend said to me: “To you they are a cock; but to the rest of the world, they’re just a pair of shoes.” Bingo.

Nowadays my thinking is that those of us who have and cultivate our fetish lives have access to a special way of perceiving the world that many people don’t have. We can bring more to ourselves and thus to the world around us.

You know we’ve corresponded before @FiddlerBear. Get rid of your fears, tear down your brick walls and create. Don’t waste that talent. :slight_smile:

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To chime in with all of the others here, I’d like to add my share and reinforce what they said.

I’m a bit in the same predicament since I’ve taken over GSS from Hugh. It was the first time that my fetish was more than a very private, very closeted thing of mine. For some stupid reason, I even used my own real first name as my public username.

At first, it didn’t make much difference, but of course, my husband noticed what I’m doing at some point, and also some friends learned about it. My experience is, that they accept it without questioning it. Almost everyone has their secret fantasies they don’t share with anyone, and if they’re not just hypocrites, they won’t judge you because of yours. If they do, they don’t deserve to be your friends.

My husband learned to accept me like I am, too, which was very liberating, because he’s also told me that he’s fine with me exploring my fetish sexuality, if I need to, if my love to him stays true. That meant a lot to me and is an amazing display of trust and our love. He also hinted that he has some secret fantasies himself which he doesn’t want to talk about. See…

Tentacle sex and impregnation is, by the way, not really rare. A whole genre (Hentai) has developed at least in part around that fantasy… So you’re certainly not alone :slight_smile: My own kink is getting more extreme as well, as to the point that I’m worried my stories might start to offend people (which is why I have a hard time writing new chapters right now), but in the end we have to stop to worry about what other people think and just enjoy our strange, perverted and deprived sexual fantasies…

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So I’m gonna chime in on this too. I recently published my first novel on Kindle and I was insanely proud of it. I knew I had a huge online audience as absman420 that I’d cultivated, but in real life, I know LOTS more people. (I spent much of my adult life in professional theatre, then teaching.)

I wanted to share with them too, but was nervous because — in essence — it meant coming out all over again.

And I felt the same way! Would they love me? Hate me? Reject me? Shun me? Would I get fired? Mocked?

But I did it — it mattered to me! Thirty years I’ve been writing and they knew me only as a lyricist and cartoonist, not like this. So I came out as a erotic writer.

I was right — it was exactly the same! No one cared — as a matter of fact, because I had told my truth, people accepted me more easily. Friends have read me now. I went into work the other day and a client had five copies for me to sign! It was crazy!

All fear is in our heads. Everyone has their own thing. If they can’t handle your sexuality, fuck them. I may have lost people in my circle because of this — I don’t know for sure — but if I did, goodbye! I am who I am.

It’s lead to some fun discussions, especially in real world settings. People are curious. And if they’re judging me, I don’t care. It’s on them, not me. That’s the thing! Coming out has been LIBERATING!

You’re no weirder than anyone else. You’re just brave enough to write your fantasies down and share them. It’s all good!!!

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If any of this — no doubt rambling shpeel — is helpful to you, then so be it.

I had the same fear but different reaction. When I find stuff like that; I keep diving. I am morally satisfied that what I write (despite on a surface level being about abduction, use, taking sexual advantage, etc, etc) is fine in the realms of “it’s fiction though, isn’t it?”

I think there are some things even fiction shouldn’t do, but that’s a different topic to what I want to focus on here. Suffice to say, look at all the death and murder in action films. Look at the gruesome pain and suffering in ‘Alien’, of The Exorcist, or The Silence of the Lambs. Look at the abuse, violence, torture, emotional anguish of most fictional character in well told but harsh stories.

Do explore the depths of yourself in your writing; writing is the best place to do it. Explore it and know that exploring it there is the best method. For me, it has looped down into some very scary places (especially this year, and in stories I’m currently writing) but, it loops back out too and so far, every time I dived, wrote, processed, published, it’s as if I conquered a “dark scary thing” that up until then I was afraid to look directly at.

Explore the scary thing; it’ll be worth ‘knowing’ and fiction is the safest and best place to do that exploration. I say.

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Im glad I posted about this. Thank you guys. Ive been wrestling with myself for a while and never thought to reach out to people here until recently. It is heartening to know that it seems like everyone goes through similar fears and struggles. Ive been doing well about this stuff over the last few months but it feels good to hear support and thoughts from outside my own head.

@thedirtyspiders Thank you in particular for sharing your thoughts. You touched almost directly on where I’ve been struggling the most internally and it’s lifted a bit of the weight I’d been putting on myself.

I think im learning that people take notice of the the things we obsess about whether we want them to or not. I’ve been holding myself to a ridiculous standard about a lot of this stuff and worry about things that aren’t as important as having fun with it.

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I think everybody has a little “secret” that one thinks it’s best not to share with others, specially friends, co-workers or partners. Of course having someone to share and explore kinks is what makes the whole kink thing more enjoyable, but I doubt every and each fantasy is shareable. Specially in a kink shaming society (and it happens even in LGBT+ spaces). It’s great to find like-minded (and sexually oriented, so to speak) people and internet is great at that. I personally have some kinks (much tamer then tentacle rape) I don’t feel like sharing them with people I know, except a few hook ups that might be into it too. This avoidance can be interpreted as “fear of judgment”, or lack of pride, but I think it’s part of human nature to not be fully open about our fantasies. I do not struggle with having morally unacceptable fantasies, to be honest, because I know they are fantasies and can only be performed with consent of my partners. Also morally unacceptable fantasies are the best, aren’t them? :smiley:

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I’m actually on the opposite side of this discussion, in the sense that my partner and I have been very open about being kinky and poly, pretty much since we first realized it ourselves. All I really want to add to this is that if you yourself are in a position to do this, please do! I’ve lost count of the number of people who’ve told us over the years that they’ve had the courage to be more open and accepting of who they are because they saw us doing it. Sometimes, they were only open to us about it and nobody else, but we were happy to be that for them. Other times, they became as open as we are. Being yourself can be dangerous in some situations, no doubt about it, and I’m not trying to say everyone can or should be open about who they are. For many, that would be a really bad idea! But, under the right circumstances, being open about your kinks can also be enormously empowering and it can empower others.

(And so ends today’s inspirational tract. :stuck_out_tongue: )

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My pleasure, Mr.Bear :blush:

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I still struggle with the morality of transformation stories. I love them but I worry, seriously, that writing and reading them is not good for me. I am a Christian so I do wonder if I am becoming a bad person by indulging in my fetishes/fantasies. For some of you the answer is obvious: no you’re not. For me I am usually torn between exploring my sexuality, by reading and writing stories, and avoiding sinning. Yeah it’s an old concept but I still don’t feel quite right in either the Gay or Christian realms. I don’t try to force my morality on others usually but I still can’t reconcile being Gay and Christian. I was raised Catholic so guilt is as one writer stated “a sacrament in which we bathed daily.” I know I am not worse or better than anyone else but being a somewhat neurotic guy I am always self-analyzing. It’s easier for me to find a flaw in my character for the most part rather than others’. This does not mean I won’t call out abusive behavior in the real world but it means I’m still not quite comfortable in my own skin. I want a good ending in a story although I know that real life is often not that way. I’m muddling through at best.

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I worry that when I die my executor, who knows I’m gay but is quite conservative, will be shocked by the hundreds of pics of muscle men on my PC and the stories I have stored on it as well.

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I actually talked to my therapist about this. This is called the shadow: the parts of ourselves we find morally wrong. It’s very common for sex and sexual desires to be in our shadow. Even if you don’t have a fetish, this is a common thing.

Specifically, I talked to my therapist about how I had a crush on a straight friend of mine and how I often fantasized about controlling him. He described it as “you imagine a made up world where these people who are similar to your friends, but would act in specific ways in this world you created…” essentially pointing out that this is all fantasy and inspired by, but divorced from, reality. I am not doing something bad by writing about things as a way to express my sexual desires. That said, I would still very much not want my friend to know I am writing these stories about him, and would be embarrassed if certain people find out about this. But that’s something I want to work on.

What I can say is that, embracing and owning my sexual desires means I care less if my family, most friends, or coworkers find out about this. If they did, I would say “I am pansexual, and I have some kinks and fetishes. I am different, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

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That part about being a Christian… I can’t really help you with that because it depends on the denomination (even within Catholicism). Most Christians I know (who are Mormons and Catholics), don’t care really when I let them know I’m not straight. When it comes to Catholics in general, the church’s position is that being gay is a sin, full stop. So you’ve already crossed that line. However, Jesus himself never commented on homosexuality specifically, so the gay Catholics I know say the church has been wrong on a lot of things and needs to evolve.

Frankly, and this is my opinion (as a Buddhist, btw, who converted because I didn’t like the Abrahamic religions for many reasons including this guilt thing), the Bible says “do unto others as you would wish others to do unto you, for this sums up the law and the prophets” (Matthew 7:12) “Isn’t it to share your bread with the hungry, to bring the poor and homeless into your home, to clothe the naked when you see him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” (Isaiah 58:7). I read this as be a good person and strive to reduce other’s suffering. This is the core of religion.

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Unfortunately many people seem to think that being Christian makes them right in all their views and that is not what it means. It’s hard to talk to some people about beliefs because they have been so abused by faiths/religions etc. I hope I am being a good person but I have doubts sometimes. Thanks for the reply.

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I think the best idea about morality I can imagine is something I once heard. It went something like “if you’re questioning your beliefs, your behavior, and your views you are a moral person.” Many people never peer into their own psyche and refuse to accept that they are less than perfect. Some get stuck on one issue or issues and that forms their values but it is an incomplete thought. The article said that those who do, delve into their minds, see the world in a different way than others. They can often see the big picture and that is important. Seems to make sense to me at least.

I have promised not to talk about religion in these threads anymore, so you’re lucky.

But I will say that any religion that tries to make you feel badly about yourself maybe isn’t the best religion for you. Are you Catholic because you chose Catholicism or were you just raised that way?

Search your soul. Your eternal happiness does not depend upon the approval of an institution.

Okay. Sorry. I’m done.

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We all know that there are hundreds of religions on this world alone. We have learned to accept that there is not the one religion which can claim to be ‘the only right one’ (though they all still try to do it).

So if one is open enough to accept that all religions have the same right to exist, how can you even believe that YOUR religion is still worth to be believed in more than any of the others?

I accept and honor anyone’s believes and religion. But I will never accept one for myself, as I cannot overlook the inconsistencies.

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You’re right. For me, the answer’s obvious: no, you’re not. But just because that’s the answer I see as an Atheist doesn’t make it the obvious (or even the right) answer for you as a Christian. By virtue of the fact that most of the transformations I’ve ever seen on the site are impossible, you get an easy out on that one, at least in terms of sins of action. Sins of thought are another matter, however. I can’t really advise you on that, as I don’t know to what extent you and/or your religion focus on those.

When it comes to reconciling your faith with your sexuality, I think my best advice would be to check somewhere like FetLife.com and see what you can find there. I know for a fact that they have a Mormon group (albeit a largely straight one), so if even Mormons can find some way to reconcile their faith with their kinkiness, I’m sure there’s got to be some group there for people like you, who are struggling with other aspects of faith and sexuality.

(Also, if this thread continues much further with religion, I’d suggest splitting it into a separate thread, as I think that’s a whole different ballgame in terms of acceptance. That’s just my opinion, though…I can see arguments not to split it.)

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